The Crime: Being a Voluptuous Babe
What The Hot Officer Says: “You have such a pretty face, you'd look so awesome if you lost some weight.”
Does anyone even have the nerve to actually say this anymore?! Or how about the veiled version of this: “I so admire your inner beauty.”
As a human being, you have the right to exist here on Earth and look any damn way you want. We don't have an obesity epidemic, we have a mass infection of the soul that lies between narcissism and self-loathing. People elevate themselves by offering a passive-aggressive compliment, but this is not your fault.
And anyway, why in the Hell is it so important to be beautiful anyway? Aren't you worth more than being looked at? Don’t we all have something valuable to contribute to the world that has nothing to do with our physical appearance? I'm sure you do, and if you think you don't, maybe you should make new friends and join Women With Guts. Repeat after me: I am not someone's masturbatory aid. No one should have to live their lives believing that they are responsible for someone else's happiness OR hard-on. You are worth so much more than that.
Plan A: Look the person in the eye and tell them that what they just said was objectifying, offensive, and if they don't apologize you will not hang around them anymore, then follow through with the warning. Look, I know it's hard to break up with friends - I've dumped a few and been dumped myself. It hurts. Ultimately it was the best thing for both parties. I learned a ton about me, and they went on their own paths.
Plan B: Hack into their Amazon account and order a case of douches for them. Get them put on the Focus On the Family mailing list. Take them out for a great night of drinking and draw penises everywhere on them. Then? You leave and never return. As I mentioned last week, I enjoy covering shit with gas and setting it on fire.